The Tale of Stoney the Elf
Once upon a time, deep in the Indica Forest, there lived two elves named Moonbeam and Marley. Moonbeam and Marley fell in love while attending the Branchstock music festival, and quickly got married and moved into a nice 2 Bedroom tree home in the Bud district of the forest. Before long, they were blessed with a child, whom they named Terry.
Terry had a typical Elf childhood, spending most of his days frolicking in the Kush fields and exploring the local Cannabis Caverns. You know, everyday elf stuff. As a child, Terry discovered he had a love for baking cookies and soon became known across the forest for his skill in the kitchen.
Terry baked cookies for everyone in the forest, and made a point to NEVER make oatmeal raisin cookies because it's incredibly disappointing when you see a plate of cookies and think they’re chocolate chip but then take a bite and realize it’s oatmeal raisin and you don’t want to finish the cookie but you can’t just put it back because you already took a bite out of it and now your appetite for cookies has been ruined and you don’t even want a chocolate chip cookie anymore! I mean come on! Why even put oatmeal and raisins IN cookies??
Sorry…..where was I?
Terry had a happy childhood living a life of a child prodigy baker, but on his 18th birthday, he knew it was time to set out on his own and make a name for himself. Terry packed a knapsack with his favorite cookies (not oatmeal raisin though, because its gross. Yea, I’m still on the oatmeal raisin thing) and headed for the door. Before heading out on the open road, he turned to his parents for one final goodbye.
“It’s dangerous to go alone.” His mother said to him. “Take this”.
With a wink, Moonbeam handed Terry a perfectly rolled cone joint.
“This joint contains great power.” She told him while starring off into the distance for dramatic effect. “And with great power comes great...something. I was actually pretty baked when I watched that movie. Just smoke this”
Terry took a drag, and walked out the door. Immediately the world around him changed. Colors were brighter. Smells, more intense. He suddenly had new fresh ideas for cookies to bake! He also had a tremendous urge to eat all of the cookies he had on him and binge watch The Office, which still exists in this universe for some reason, but he knew he must press on!
And on he walked! Over mountains, across rivers, nothing could stop Terry on his journey. He knew fate held something big in store for him, what that thing was, he had no clue.
One day, as Terry was walking along a path with a joint of Kilimanjaro dangling from his mouth, a sweet familiar, smell hit his nostrils. He left the path, following the smell through the woods until he came upon a tree home taller and branchier than any other tree home he had ever seen. He had finally reached the Sativa forest! Upon closer inspection, Terry noticed a plate of fresh baked cookies cooling in the window, with a large “Help Wanted” sign underneath. Terry went to knock on the door, but as he reached out the door swung open and in front of him stood cheery looking, old elf man.
“Hello my new red-eyed friend!” The old elf exclaimed. “Are you here for the job offer?”
“I am now!” Terry responded. “The name’s Terry”
“A pleasure to meet you, Terry! I’m Bernie! I’m a Kiefler elf, you see. Why don’t you follow me inside and I’ll show you where you’ll be working?”
Bernie stepped inside, motioning for Terry to follow. Once Terry entered the Sativa Tree he was shocked. All around him, hustling and bustling, was the largest cookie factory he had ever seen. Every direction he looked he saw elves just like him making dough, pulling fresh cookies out of the oven, and vocalizing their distaste for oatmeal raisin cookies (I’m not going to let this go ok?). Terry was finally home.
Terry got to work right away. What started as a few shifts a week slowly turned into an 80’s action movie style montage set to Joe Esposito's “You’re the best” where we see Terry making friends and getting better and better at baking cookies. You know the montages. Terry even wears a cool headband.
Eventually Stoney gained the trust and respect of all the elves in the factory, and was promoted to department head of the chocolate division. You see, Terry was no ordinary baker. He was a baked baker. He came into work every morning with a joint dangling from his mouth. While at first Bernie was skeptical, it soon became quite apparent that the more baked Terry was, the more baking he could do. Soon he was known around the factory as “Stoney the Elf”, and as his baking prowess grew so did his fame as a baker.
One fateful evening, while stirring up the dough for a fresh batch of Chocolate Chip cookies and thinking about how terrible Oatmeal Raisin cookies are (I mean come ON), Stoney’s joint slipped out of his mouth and fell deep into the vat of dough.
“What harm could a little joint do?” Stoney said out loud to himself, for the sake of the audience, and continued stirring. Stoney finished baking the cookies, set them on the windowsill to cool, and set off to take his federally mandated brunch break.
When Stoney returned to the factory, he was aghast by what he saw. Everywhere cookies were falling off the conveyor belts, dough was going unstirred, and oven timers were beeping. Worst of all, all but one of his cooling chocolate chip cookies were gone! Stoney grabbed the remaining cookie, and went in search of his co-workers.
Stoney burst into the break room to find a room full of red eyed elves giggling, lounging and playing video games.
“Hey pretty good cookies maaaaan” His best friend Coney said to him.
“Yea what’s the secret?” His other friends, Zippy and Tray chimed in.
Stoney was speechless. He looked down at the cookie in his hand. Could it be? Was the joint more powerful than possibly imagined? Stoney ate the cookie, and after waiting the responsible 45 minutes to an hour, he began to feel the effects. Never before in his life had a cookie made him feel like this! All his fears and anxieties melted away! Stoney had discovered the future of cookies!
Or so he thought. The next morning upon arriving at work, Stoney was called into Bernie’s office.
“Look I’m going to give it to you straight kid.” Bernie said, while looking out his window dramatically. “I was willing to look the other way with you getting high at work all the time, for the sake of character development. I mean once the montage started it was pretty difficult to stop it. But this? This is too much.” Bernie held up one of Stoney’s special cookies in disgust.
“But what will I do?” Stoney protested. “Baking is my life!”
“Where you get baked now is up to you, Stoney. Now give me your gun and your badge you piece of shit” Bernie demanded.
“I’m sorry, my WHAT?”
“Oh..sorry” Bernie said sheepishly. “I had one of your cookies. They’re....strong. I kind of forgot where I was for a second.”
Devastated, Stoney packed his bags and headed for the door, unsure of what his next adventure will be.
“Hey wait for us!” Stoney heard a cry from behind him. He turned around and standing before him with bags packed were his three best friends, Coney, Zippy and Tray. “Don’t you dare think you’re leaving this place without us!” They said in unison, to make it easier for the narrator.
“Come along then!” Stoney said, through a teary-eyed smile. “But where will we go?”
“I know of a place Stoney. A place where you can truly be the Baked Elf you’re meant to be. A place...called Colorado.” Coney said, with a knowing nod.
“Wait, Colorado exists in this universe? I thought we were in like a magical weed forest or something.” Stoney added, incredulously.
“Everyone was cool with The Office existing, ok? Stop being so nit-picky. Let’s just go.”
And off they went. Before our adventurers knew it, they were in another montage. But this time a travel one. You know, the ones where they show like a cartoon map and it marks where they’ve gone on the map. Look the point is, they made it to Colorado.
Stoney was in heaven. Finally, a land where he could be as baked as he desired and could let as many of his joints as he wants to fall into the dough. It was here, in this cannabis Shangri-La, that Stoney and his friends decided to create “The Baked Elf”. Stoney’s dream was to share the power of cannabis with the entire world, and in doing so, de-stigmatize it’s use and educate the masses. He made t-shirts, for getting baked outside on the sunny days, and hoodies, for lounging on the couch with one of his world-famous cookies. Finally, our baker elf friend reached his final form, The Baked Elf, and lived the rest of his days making cool clothes and refusing to make oatmeal raisin cookies.
The End